Spontaneous Incandescence

Underworld Awakening - Video+

2011-12-02T17:21:00.001-08:00

Check out one of the features I am legitimately proud to have been a producer on:

The Cost of Caring

2011-01-02T16:00:00.000-08:00

FORWARD:

As I move to revise this, I took an opportunity to revisit an older post, though perhaps a more accurate description would be "rediscover" as I completely forgot I had written it. You can find it here: The Catastrophe of Kindness (I know, I have have a penchant for blog posts with that title structure... color me melodramatic) The similarities to what I'm currently ...feeling is, awesome, staggering even.

Maybe the real truth to be gleaned from all this is that December is a shitty, shitty month.

The following is a long post, somewhat meandering. It's an exploration more than an assertion, and if you have time to kill you might find it interesting from that perspective alone: watching someone discover something (with the filtration through a writers brain).

But I wanted to add something up front that maybe contextualizes it. And more importantly because I didn't want it to get lost at the end in an addendum, as it's perhaps the most important discovery i make.

PRELUDE:

Any relationship, friends or otherwise, is a compromise. And the result is that both parties come out stronger, more experienced. The problem arises when you begin to corrupt yourself to maintain the compromise. That's no longer compromise but has become degradation. That's called 'settling'.

I think the most compelling interactions we can have as humans is to challenge each other. To be challenged makes us grow. Three of the people i would consider my best friends I do so in large part because they challenge me, in different ways, to be a better man. To be more productive, to be smarter, to be more patient. (respectively)

Friendships take work. They don't simply happen, and to believe that needing to work in a friendship intrinsically invalidates it is both offensive and reductive. You will ruin every opportunity to connect with someone if you believe that because no connection is perfect.

But at the same time, one shouldn't have to fight to be friends with someone. Because that makes me feel like my investment, to whatever degree it is, is foolish.... [REDACTED because it became a rant].

I guess I just want to say, it's a negotiation, but not a battle. And the goal should be to make each other happy. It's not rocket science. Just let 'em.

And now, on with the show.

PART 1: We're All Going Crazy

There's been a recent confluence of discourse in my life, either between myself and my friends or, and perhaps more iconically, in the general world about me. Several months ago, my friend and engaged in a somewhat -- I am reluctant to use the word heated, let's stick with: -- emotional discussion that spanned a wide gamut of topics, from my current favorites [edit: still favorites!] of "savior complexes" and "fixing" people, all the way to the very definition of friendship, relationship, and ending with a really -- impressive? -- analogy of balloons, which I will simply summarize as we are all floating along, and the idea is to keep everyone you're attached to inflated enough that they don't become a weight, because then you both fall.

But at it's core, the discussion left me thinking about how much we should be caring about each other. And when keeping everyone else adrift in essence drains all the air from your balloon.

A couple months after the aforementioned discussion, I was cruising down to Rhode Island, as you do, on what at heart was to be a "break" -- an emotional cutoff to this well of anxiety that had quite honestly, whether motivated or not, been building inside of me since the talk. More likely, it was inspired by tangential mountain of stress that had been leveled upon me by my career at the time. In any case, I'm on this little get away, puttering down the highway, listening to NPR which is/was my new/recurring short-term-obsession, and a segment comes on about "caring too much." Probably the first words out of the little speaker. "caring too much".

... well that certainly struck a cord.

Let's contextualize. Here is an excerpt from the the conversation with my friend; some thoughts leveled towards me after probably my second or third breakdown:

If you were a careless individual, I might say self-recrimination would be good for you, but you are the opposite of careless [wherein caring refers to compassion]
...
I care tremendously
I've just learned to stop beating myself up for caring so much.

So clearly there was some cosmic reaffirmation that my internal discourse was not ill-conceived. The program contextually was in address to the BP oil spill and how people become overwhelmed by 'bad news', but I found much of the later discussion suitably relevant.

I wanted to figure out for myself what it was that would cause me to "beat myself up" for caring so much. What about that state of 'caring tremendously' would cause such feelings of self-deprecation, of depression and anxiety. And I think it's because to care is such a powerful, almost draining experience. And as such it can reap unparalleled emotional rewards, but it can also have a tremendous cost.

So where does this risk come from?

PART 2: Choosing Happiness

Over the past -- I use this word all the time now, but it seems fitting -- manic weeks [edit: and again, these last two at this time were likewise], as I've been digesting all of this, I keep coming back to the concept of CHOICE and what part it plays in our lives.

And it is basically my conclusion that feeling like you don't have a "choice" is the single most upsetting situation I can think of. Maybe that solidifies me as the most type-A person ever, but I think there is a real truth that resonates there and in discussing that issue I'm hoping to maybe figure out why we, as humans, get destroyed by the act of caring.

First off, this is not a firm "this is what I believe and you're wrong/a monster if you disagree", but I do think there is a fundamental humanity to it. The NPR segment mentioned that "we are conditioned to be compassionate and empathic;" that there is "a universal human need to be connected to other people." I think that if you disagree with this then there is perhaps a deeper problem at work here. I don't mean to say that if you don't care for everyone you are a failure as a human being -- I think I generally do care about most things more than other people around me, and that is a very personal characteristic I have; and it is hard for me to distinguish what it is that causes breaks when they do happen -- I suspect it has to do with an initial connection being cerebral vs. emotional, and the subsequent development of that connection -- but if you say to me "it is not in my nature to be compassionate" there is a reckoning to be had. Oh beware the my wrath. And that's about as much of disclaimer as need be given.

Let me start with a specific, borderline clinical example to illustrate this notion of Choice. I was working on a web series for the better part of two months. At times, this has been a second full time job; there was a seven day stretch where I worked more than 40 hours on this project. Overall, the experience was very positive, and hopefully great, wonderful things will come from it. [edit: eh...] Either way, I feel exceedingly accomplished and fortunate to have been brought into the show. [edit: ... eh... but less so!]

But it was draining. Beyond the obvious hurdles -- 80 hour weeks, 20 hour days in front of a computer, 45 emails in one night, crunched timelines -- the one that was most dampening was the lack of choice. This is a subtle point -- I obviously chose to take on the project, and as I said, I would do so again.

It's the moment to moment choice. It's the "I can't go see you because I am working", "I can't watch this TV show because I need to get this cut by the morning", "I can't go the long way home because I need to respond to that email", "I can't sleep because my video hasn't uploaded". It's these choices that we agree to forgo (whether up front or in retrospect) that can become a burden. It is these denied choices, moment by moment that "fill us up". It's a sacrifice, a trade off, and the benefits WILL outweigh the 'costs'. But it doesn't make the cost any less miserable.

Reading that in retrospect, I understand how someone could simply say "life is full of choices." You choose to work or to play. It's a balance. I'd clarify the above example by summarizing: there are situations (like taking on a second job) that deny us choices, and that the reason those situations can be harrowing is not because of the stress or the work, it's that it limits our choices.

Per the FORWARD, I'm not suggesting answers. I'm merely trying to understand why it sometimes feel like our life is spiraling out of our control. I think once I realized that this project was limiting my choices, I was able to accept that. Because by its very nature, the only way to compensate for not having a choice is to accept that state. Honestly, internally, emotionally. You don't have to like it -- you shouldn't like it, because that would not only be masochistic but would also prevent you from learning whether to sacrifice that choice again in the future -- but you must be able to accept it. It will also let you, in the future, engage in similar situations with provisions that enable more choices.

So perhaps then, the state of being of CARING is in itself a limiting scenario. There is a contradiction arising in me wherein I HAVE to be compassionate and giving, because it's not only a positive thing to do but it also is rewarding; yet at the same time, i feel like my choice to invest emotionally is limited. Okay, that's interesting. let's see where we go from there.

I want to quickly detour into a quick recounting of a seminar I went to for work last December called The Energy Project. It was actually a fantastic event and came at exactly the right time for me. The most resonant element was the concept of "valuing" a person. From the site:

Nothing is more important to us than feeling valued and appreciated by others.

Empathy allows you to value others which reconnects you to them and makes you feel better.

After a conversation, ask yourself whether the person you were talking to walked away feeling better or worse. If it’s the latter, what could you have done differently?

The middle one in particular sums up my feeling.

And let me just admit: making someone else feel better is the most addictive feeling I know. I have felt a sense of giddiness more often after doing something out-of-the-way "kind" than any other time. Buy someone a gift, throwing a party when no one else does, sending a card, paying the tab.

And it makes me feel good to have kindness appreciated.

The NPR segment corroborated this in a way: "we're expecting other people to help us out when we help them out." One could say it's buying affection, but I would strongly disagree. Whether monetarily or metaphysically, when you really care about someone, you don't think about an associated "cost"; the goal is to feel APPRECIATED not RECIPROCATED. I think that differentiation is overlooked far too frequently.

When engaging in any action, professionally or otherwise, it's important to consider how you are valuing them. And how are they receiving that feeling.

It's in large part our personal responsibility to make sure our value is maintained. I'm not suggesting we go blowing the whistle, demanding respect and all, but if you feel taken advantage you must say something or else you will continue to be taken advantage of.

And the hardest part of all is when the choice to maintain your value is stricken from you. (like that segue?) [edit: i even surprised myself with that one...]

This feeling of helplessness -- because at it's root, that is the most fundamentally crushing emotion, being unable to control a situation on the most basic level; It equates to not being able to control your own emotional state -- seems most affecting in respect to friendships and particularly that dreaded 'relationship.'

Ah, now we get to it.

PART 3: Coming to Terms

When dealing with people, there is no guarantee. The hardest thing to accept is that you cannot make someone care about you. There are things you can do to give them cause to, that can encourage it when they do, but you cannot make someone care about you in a way other than how they will. And holy fuck does that hurt. It hurts just thinking about it in an abstract, [edit: and it still hurst to realize that again now as i re-read this post... wow... good job me!] and as I think about the people I wish I could prove the statement false with, that I want so much to have care for me, so much so that if I could i would probably make them. It's the very same panic that I've been fighting these two weeks, or 7 months.

That I fought over a year ago. And years before that.

It's the feeling of longing for something. And it hurts so much because there is no intrinsic malice in being denied the reciprocation, there is absolutely no contextualization around yourself. It just is.

You don't have a choice in the matter.

And personally, I have certainly not come to be okay with that. I think some people have. I think that at it's root, this discussion with my friend showed me that some people have. And each time I re-read our conversation, I do so with the hope that I will find in it a universal wisdom that will help me accept it. But I don't.

Because I don't think it's possible. Not if you are going to be as emotionally open and free as I think you should be. Because you know what?

Life hurts. Like a bitch. All the time.

And what to me is fundamentally human is being not only open to it, to that pain, but willing to let that happen. Embracing that indelible fact and getting on with it.

And to take another small tangent,I want to introduce one of my favorite/most despised social customs: 'wearing the armor.' For some people, I think this happens because they are afraid of the transience of human affection, that love comes and goes. Or something. I've never really worn all that much armor. I don't think the benefits outweigh the gains.

And then there's a somewhat more subtle, complicated and -- maybe -- less common reason to wear the armor. Which is basically when one is terrified of caring. That the very act of doing so is somehow compromising. I find it essentially hard for me to relate to this notion. Intellectually, it took a while but I finally came to a peace with it. It's a fear of falling in love because -- and look for the trend here -- it feels out of control. It's not so much a cerebral sense of choice as it is an emotional one. I think it's fundamentally why anxiety is so frustrating, because I can't control it. And whereas in my case I am referring to a stress-induced lack of fulfillment, I can see how a gleeful abandonment could feel terrifying as well.

And as I revisit these thoughts and revelations, I confess I probably come across like a control freak. Let me clarify: I KNOW we cannot always have choice. I am merely exploring my belief as to what causes us to feel so unfulfilled, so sad when certain happenings occur. We do not always have choice. That's how life goes. By understanding that, we might better move toward accepting and moving past those instances.

So what to do about these feelings? What do we do when we have the choice taken from us? I think there are two solutions: one, we simply avoid situations like that. We pass on the job, we say no to the date, we put the armor on.

Or, we learn to get the perspective. We "get filled up" and so we must discover what "recharges [our] batteries."

One of my friend's insights in particular rang true:

What I'm trying to impart is a way to deal with that conundrum by stepping outside of it until your perspective makes it smaller. Viewing it from afar so that you can see the bigger picture...

It is both a very astute and very hopeful view of tackling issues. Get out so you can figure out how better to get it. I may have taken it a bit out of context, but it was impactful.

The problem here arises from the possibility to miss opportunities. From his comment, I think the most helpful thing is to not get burdened down in the immediate and to try and revitalize a situation when you are not immediately surrounded by it (and actually, in retrospect, that Energy Project had a strikingly similar suggestion on conflict management.)

So from this we decided that when you do have your choices restricted, the best option for emotional stability and growth is to step away and figure out if there are things you could do to reintroduce choice into the predicament.

The most vivid quote from the NPR segment came right at the end. Referencing a number of studies, the guest told us "positive emotion is associated with developing and building strong ties with family, friends, etc, but there is a cost to that caring, and that cost sometimes complicates those relationships." This feeling of helplessness when you can't make things play out the way you want.

One of the more interesting moments was when my friend reminded me how AA took a certain piece of Christian dogma as it's motto:

"GOD grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference"

Well, besides my personal belief that God has nothing to do with granting me anything, but rather the harder, more True choice would be to find that serenity courage and wisdom in myself and those around me (perhaps that is my God then), I think it's a profoundly moving and important concept.

I suppose that's the realization I have managed to accept. It's not that I believe I can do that yet, that I have the serenity or the wisdom (I would say I have the courage for the most part), but rather that I understand how to handle the lack of choice. And not have it drive me crazy. Or at least I am learning to work towards that.

Of important note, the third element, "to know the difference," is fundamentally influenced by experience. That's somewhat comforting to know that as I grow it will become easier to know when to accept and when to fight.

And yet I don't think I am completely naive. I think that I have a valid perspective on caring, compassion and kindness that many people might write off. But here is the accusation I level: it is important to get perspective, but when you say "it's safer here," to sit at the distance, when you refuse to risk it, to take the good and the bad, you are not only clamping down on yourself but you are hurting the people around you. Intention has nothing to do with it. Sitting far away from everyone else allows you to make choices, yes, it allows you control, yes. To dip in to fulfill a need, but it fundamentally undermines you. It is impossible to thrive emotionally without giving up agency. A human connection is a reciprocal entity by design. So stepping away is in action severing that connection to some degree.

And sometimes stepping away is necessary. I don't expect everyone to have an infinite reservoir of compassion. And I think everyone 'needs space' to recharge. I just need you to realize what you are doing when you make that choice. And i think that it would be so ... encouraging if people would simply say "if I'm not there as much, it's not because of you, or us, it's because life is a rollercoaster and I'm about to hit a freefall".

I've learned to love people simply because they were upfront with what they were willing to contribute to a friendship. That was sorta an unfortunate reverse effect, but I admit it because it's so rare for people to be clear with expectation.

PART 4: A Naive Optimism

It took me a long time to realize that when something in a friendship/relationship isn't working, when you are not receiving the compassion you crave or are so desperately pouring out in compensation as a misguided attempt to fix the problem, it's most likely caused because the other person doesn't have a choice.

And all you can do is hope that in the future they will. That work will let up, that they won't be filled with dread, that they will feel the weight of whatever is holding them back lift, and in that moment I have faith that they will chose to let you into their life. To receive your compassion. If you be the best friend, lover, brother you can possibly be, they will chose you, and in whatever way that manifests it will fill you with completeness and joy.

I hope that whoever might read this will be able to look at all the things that make them feel trapped, like they don't have a choice, and weigh those moments. They will ask themselves "what is this preventing me from doing". The very word choice implies a sense of agency. I hope that it makes me more aware of what exactly I am choosing to give up. That is the perspective of stepping back. And in doing so, I feel like I am better able to dive back in and take even more on, because I know what the limits are.

At it's core, it is learning to say "no" and that really is a whole separate essay.

What do I want? For my friends to care about me, as much and in the same ways as I care about them, for them to want me as much and in the same ways that I want them. That's human. I hope. I want them to have enough perspective to do that, for them to have the courage to tell me when it's not the case -- when they don't -- and for me to have the courage to accept that answer. Because here's the thing. I am not going to care less. I am not going to want less. And if it means I come across as clingy it means that you have not made a choice for yourself, or that you don't feel like you can. And you should feel lucky and privileged then that I devote energy to you, perhaps at my own detriment. And I want you to be okay with the unbalance. I want you to appreciate my compassion even if you can't give me any.

Friendship is fluid, and I think we go through phases of what we want to give and to get. And I think that for me right now I am in a place where I am giving a lot and not getting as much as I need (which is partially replaceable with "as much as I am used to").

I feel like a lot of holes have opened up in my emotional infrastructure, and that's maybe why i am pouring a lot out. Like blood. So I have confidence that I will find a way to receive what I need, and maybe that will come from the places I currently want it to come from, and maybe it will come from somewhere unexpected; but it will come.

I hold the opinion that while friendships and bonds are certainly formed somewhat free-floating, it is still important to invest in them, because that is what makes them valuable and fulfilling in the first place. It reminds me to appreciate the connections I do have and the shape that they do take and to be willing to work on making them what I want them to be, and to let them be what they will.

GTFO 2010, 2K11 is kicking the door in

2011-01-02T13:46:00.000-08:00

Now that 2010 has come and gone and I've completely defaulted on my commitment to posting entries more frequently than every few months -- actually, i got WORSE at it -- we'll indulge what I hope wont be a trend of a "New Years posts".

The following entry in particular was something that I wrote almost seven months ago. There's been an interesting resurgence of many of these thoughts in the past week though, so I've decided to finally get around to actually finishing this, with a slightly contemporary update.

There are a couple more entries in my drafts folder as well so hopefully I'll get those out shortly.

hopefully...

Waiting for Superman... and updates...

2010-12-19T22:58:00.000-08:00

First, let me just get it out of the way with there are at least three other posts of equal profundity and detail as the last one -- FROM A YEAR AGO; oh the shame -- sitting on my computer unfinished, but -- and take this with all the import it entails -- I needed to get my thoughts out to the digital world on quick frankly the most important film I've seen in years.

Davis Guggenheim's Waiting For Superman is a moving, eye opening, tragic and inspiring look at the united states education system, with eyes to not just the system, but the teachers. It's harsh, it's critical, and the ending will make you cry. I rarely lose it in a movie, my walls as strong. But whether through manipulation or truth I was sobbing during the final few scenes.

Davis directed An Inconvenient Truth, which fundamentally altered my day to day life. In small ways, yes, but I can track a lot of my interest in conservation and environmental health to that film. It's films like this that validate my pursuit of media. (and special props to my dear friend Derek who wrote the end credits. A sobering retrospective that is both hopeful and honest) So yes, I am perhaps biased, selfish. But it's also films like this that need the most support. It's really an astonishing experience.

Waiting for Superman is not simply about the education / charter school lottery -- I think one of the reasons it took so long to see it was because I wasn't aware at how vividly insightful the piece was.

But beyond the film, the reason I've finally gotten back on this blog to post something was because I need to say thank you to all of the educators in my life. To my friends, my family -- my mom -- who I see trying so hard to expose children to not just great education, but to real issues. To make them care, to inspire passion in them for social justice and equal rights. It's a strength I do not have. And if I don't tell you enough how much i respect that, I hope I do now.

This movie is in some ways a love letter to you. To the people who are making a difference in your classroom. If every teacher was as passionate and driven as you, this country -- not just the education system but this whole country -- would be in a much better place. A much stronger place. A less hateful, less depressed less resentful place.

So thank you for changing lives.

And for everyone else, please take the two hours to watch this movie. Or pledge to see it when it comes out on DVD if you can't bring yourself to a theater. It's the only film this year that I would say you simply cannot miss.

there's some interesting information at waitingforsuperman.com The film is on the shortlist for an academy award nomination (I think it will win).

2009 in Review [updated]

2009-12-31T22:00:00.000-08:00

As I sit here on the plane—a small child periodically massaging the back of my seat, unable to contort myself into a nap-worthy ball—heading west as the coming decade chases me down—a race that Time will always win—it seems fitting to look at the past year in relation to the nine before it. [looking back at this piece now, I do very little of said reflection, this is mainly a State of the Union address —ed.]

Here’s the thing: I can’t decide if I want 2009 to be considered a closing chapter of a book or a setup for the next ten. I can say with 100% certainty that it is the most eventful, conflicted and potentially important year of my life. The sceptic in me wants to admit that I only say that because it’s the most recent, but I’ve never come crashing through a year and felt so strongly that everything has changed as I do right now.

There’s the facts: friends, work, parties and events that stick out in my mind. Trips and the joy of just lying on the couch. There’s the emotional arcs; the happiness and heartache, finding new friends and remembering old ones. There’s the things I’ve said, I’ve admitted, I’ve been surprised by, and I’ve fought. It’s been a full year! Hell, any year where you almost get mugged, buy a car, win an award, move apartments, and … “go to Disneyland” is a big year.

The truth is: there is too much unfinished business at this moment in my life to call it an ending. Some of it is “baggage” — better to be checked at the turning of the calendar. I hope that those of you who have found this year a burden, a bear or a bore are able to do that. To move on. Move on.

But I hate checking bags.

Some of it is “opportunity,” raw and new and ready to be carried off into 2010. And here comes Resolution One: Turn the Baggage into Opportunity. I understand the potentially masochistic nature to this resolution, but I’ve always had a somewhat challenged sense of emotional solvency. I think being challenged emotionally is important — the trick is not delving too deep, too fast until you break.

And the last of it, well that’s interesting, because normally I’d say the last of it is the “regrets,” the lessons learned that hard way. The stories that have closed their books: I don’t really have regrets. I have disappointments, I have things that I wish had gone a different way, I have said “unfinished business” that might think it’s finished but it’s not. You’re not finished. But I don’t think I regret anything. Not yet anyway, because there are admittedly certain things in life that end without you fully realizing them. I think that’s the core of aforementioned Resolution: to not let the stories end any other way but how I want them to.

Did I mention I’m type A? I am. Type A. Bad.

I feel — deep in my guts — that 2010 will be a great year. [so far, this is proving itself true. Fingers crossed — ed.] Above referenced Opportunities are only part of it. I think I’ve paradigmatically shifted. Even more so than when I first moved to LA three years ago. That transition had the overtones of inevitability that marred the monumental nature of such a shift. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I am just now completing that shift. Three years almost exactly.

As a side note, this assessment makes me wonder if major life cycles happen in three year bursts — an interesting thought given that so much of our upbringing goes in four year cycles. And there’s the academic trying desperately to stay alive inside me.

The next year feels charged with Potential. Potential always has the — well, potential — for disappointment. But there is a palpable sense that no matter what arises from these alluded to Opportunities — whether they become the elating events I hope they will, or fail in a spectacular burst of circumstance — they are pacing marks for other opportunities, yet to be discovered. The board is being set now.

Let’s get personal for a moment: to say that certain emotional epiphanies of the past three [four] months are not unevenly influencing these reflections would be a fallacious denial. — so there you go: it’s all your fault. The thing is, there are many “you’s”. In a sense, I feel 2009 has been my most connected year to date. I’ve formed strong bonds with many new people, and strengthened bonds with many more. So as I sit here in this nebulous bliss, I must extend a warm thank you to everyone whose become a part of my life, especially in the recent weeks and months.

I’d name names, or rather, tag friends — this is 2009 folks, wherein Facebook has firmly established itself as the fundamental social backbone of our lives — but I’m sure I’d leave off critical components — because absentmindedness is still one of my personality traits — so instead just know that I love all of you. All 450+ of you.

I’m very bad at closing doors. Some of you already know this, some of you will find this out. I mentioned not liking to check baggage at the door. Resolution Two would probably best be described as Not Letting The Baggage Block the Opportunities. Which is really like resolution 1b — I’m sounding like a lawyer here — so, at the risk of seeming evasive, let’s make a Resolution Two for real: Build Upon the Significant Professional Accomplishments from the Past Year and Realize Creative Endeavors as Fulfilling Successes. [this can basically be summed up as “get shit done and feel good about it”; I need better resolutions — ed.]

That’s good enough, right? Two resolutions, one personal (because I’m not fooling anyone when I pretend Opportunity is anything more than personal connection) along with it’s corollary containment, and one professional. I think that’s another hallmark of 2009, one that waxed and wained throughout the year: balancing the work life with the everything else.

I know for some this will be a redundant digression, but I think it would be important at this time to look backwards, past 2009 into the years preceding.

Let me put this in perspective. I started this decade in high school — the tail end of it, true but still, that makes me seem very very young right now. And that statement is perhaps the crux of all this cognition. I feel matured, right now, which is not something entirely new, but which I’ve never perceived with as much certainty as I do now.

I am—with full acknowledgement of the grandeur in this statement—a paradox. On the one hand, I’ve been working since day one in college, a job that pushed me, built me. I was a manager of 20 people at the age of 20. I was making decisions that would impact not just the program I worked for, but the entirety of a University. I’ve been a working professional for as long as I can clearly remember (well, I remember high school, but who wants to do that? High school is never over, so it’s best not to remember it too concretely). And because of that, my social life suffered. It suffered extensively.

I say that without a shred of regret. I am absolutely satisfied with my social dynamics. But there was a dramatic, abrupt discontinuity between leaving college and moving to LA. The structure that Brown gave me allowed my ‘stunted’ social growth to happily propel me through those four years. But when that structure was removed, I felt myself somewhat ill-prepared for what my emotional desires would ask of me next.

I would never pretend that these ruminations are anywhere as black and white as I have perhaps portrayed them to be. If you are still (trying to) understand where this is all heading—and heaven help you because I have no idea—i recommend you to laugh off my heavy handed self analysis, but take away the trends I’ve described. Because that’s what this is all about: progression and growth.

In some ways, I feel like I’m playing catch up—something that is actually kind of fun. I get to justify rash abandon as a necessitated emotional exploration. In some ways I feel like I am ahead of the curve, wondering if it is better to wait here for the happenings around me to catch up. Not because I think I’m too far in front, but because I wonder how much I can take, how far can I push myself in how many places before I burn out.

That’s the starting point for 2010. Negotiating these trends. Historically, I’m going to plow forward, a train of confluent disparity. Get ready. Steel yourself. Let’s hope I don’t derail this thing. That would be embarrassing.

In closing, I’d summarize 2009 as a year of people. And therein lies it’s true novelty, the real magic of this decade. It’s the first time I feel like the bonds I’ve formed with people are the defining characteristics of the year. It’s a year marked by friendships, stories and touch, not by goals and projects and money. It’s one where I feel my growth has been important and lasting and unexpected. So that makes it a good year. A hard one to top really, but that’s the Ultimate Resolution: Make Every Year Better than the One Before.

Wish me luck!

A few weeks later, it occurs to me that while the above all holds true, it still feels somewhat more vague than should be encouraged. So let me lay out some concrete resolutions:

Professional goals:

Take Entangled to a studio and have them garner interest.

Create my motion graphics reel

Make at least one production that uses 3D rendering

Get far enough into pre-production and financing Along the Way that we could potentially shoot in 2010.

Write more, even if it’s just blogs

Personal goals

Make the new apartment feel like home

Enjoy every friendship for what it is and be willing to accept what it offers

Dance enough to not feel like I want to dance more

Don’t spend holidays alone

Sleep more

Digital Rights, iTunes and why I don't pirate music anymore

2009-08-03T18:00:00.000-07:00

A recent email thread amongst my friends predicated a very insightful self-reflection on my feelings in paying for media. I'm going to post the insighting post and then my followup to give you a sense of where I was coming from, though I digress rather substantially in my argument:

This is why you don’t buy digital copies of anything! Media companies have their heads up their asses when it comes to reality; they are basically providing the exact same thing a free download from piratebay.org can provide, but they are charging a fortune ($.99 for a single song!) and adding lovely DRM features which becomes a pain in the ass.
Until media companies can give me a compelling reason why I should pay for something I can easily get for free I won’t partake. And by them continuing their actions it only puts the nails in the coffin; as more and more people get used to getting music for free they are less likely to change their ways 10 years down the road. Had CD’s not been $20/ each back in 1998 when I started downloading MP3’s I may not have done it, if the cost of a CD was lowered to $10, I may actually own a legit CD. Same with DVD’s. But now I’m so used to going to bittorrent and downloading an album (or a whole discography) in a few minutes that I haven’t been in a music (record) store in a few years and even then it was with someone else who still buys CD’s.
Also those who do actually purchase legit media are only encouraging the large media companies.

My response follows. I have edited it slightly to provide a more concrete position.

I know this is going to be an unpopular response but I think it's necessary.

I actually am against John L.'s statement because it would be like me taking money from myself. As a content creator I want to be paid for my work -- but more than that, I want my work to be *valued* by the people who consume it. That's why I don't pirate content anymore.

Let me preempt:

The current digital distribution systems ARE flawed. DRM as a concept is not a bad thing, but it just doesn't work. We had a discussion over dinner about how companies are trying to advocate DRM as a non-permanent license, as though purchasing the song does not entitle you to use it in perpetuity. That's stupid. It should work like a CD. To be fair, many DRM solutions work this way, and I can not remember the one that I reference.

The most common rebutle I hear is "but it's the Labels or the Studios that get all the money! Not the Artists!" Yes and No. First, artists/creators can be smart and avoid that system all together -- or even better, they can write in contracts that specifically deal with this. It's happening. The Corporations are loosing money so quickly that they will make better back end deals. At least Hollywood does.

The real problem lies in that people don't actually care about the artists. How many people paid for the new Radiohead album after it was no longer free? Hypothetical. I don't have it either way. Point being, many people won't pay for content even when it's directly routed through the content creator (Independent Distribution)

The system is not at all cut and dry, and I think this article makes a very clear case for how convoluted it is while at the same time pointing out some of the general pathways by which music is made:

http://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/music-royalties.htm

My best attempt to summarize based on the above and what I've learned elsewhere

A person buys a song from Apple for $0.99 . Apple keeps about $0.30 per song (or $2-3 an album). Of the remaining $0.69, between 8-15 center per song goes to the music publisher (Songwriter/Composer agency -- and half of that goes to the actual songwriter or composer). There was big huff about this a few months ago. From that $0.60, the RECORDING ARTIST (performer) gets a negotiated royalty rate. This is up to the record label and artist to establish. [Note that the real bitch here is not the actual rate, but all the fucked up ways the label steals money back from the artist, called recoupables. It is where the real injustice comes in, as as far as I can tell an artist gets no up front fee on the production of the music, unlike in a movie. In the end, the label pays for almost nothing. Fight these recoupable fee s in your contracts!]

I digress. Let me break it down: Being a Content Creator is A Fucking Nightmare.

The systems are so big (think about how much celebrity status is applied to recording artists -- that is directly related to how POPULAR (as in people) you are). The real goal of the entertainment industry is exposure. You have to make people find you. That's it. And there are MOUNTAINS in your way -- and they are not mountains created by any company or person, they are mountains created by culture and distance and humanity.

Take any celebrity: let's pick Brad Pitt and posit Fight Club as his quintessential film. One moment: BOOM exploded. He's huge. But it wasn't one moment. Even if he was a break away success from his first film (I'd go with "A River Runs Through It" but technically it was as an extra in some 1987 film called "No Way Out"). For him to launch from Fight Club took millions of dollars AND A LOT OF TALENT. You have to get people to see you to fall in love with you (usually) and most celebrities don't own their own media conglomerates, for a reason. It's just too big to do on your own.

What the Record Labels did was throw BILLIONS of dollars at building skyways across those mountains. They created a system to get a musician's work in the hands of every person in the world. (potentially). THAT is what you are paying for as a musician. You are paying for EXPOSURE. Now the record labels charging you 90% of the money that you are entitled to? That's a lot. That sucks, but as a nobody, you have no choice. You don't.

Or rather, you didn't.

Digital Distribution is the scariest thing to hit Universal Music, Sony Music Entertainment (formerly Sony BMG), EMI and Warner Music Group. Ever. And the reason they should be scared is not why they are scared. These executives see the money on Mechanical Sales (the term used to describe both physical and now digital sales) plummet dramatically at the expense of piracy. The real danger to them -- and the answer to all your quamms about paying for music, is the Internet.

Places like MySpace Music (which is actually a rather nebulous outlet, and is essential NewsCorps version of a record label, but the princaple is understood and therefore I'll use it as my example) are allowing bands to scale mountains and hit fans en mass. Rather than needing huge up front marketing expenses, Bands or Filmmakers can hit smaller targets, (banner ads, facebook ads, etc) to promote their music and pray for good word of mouth.

Enter other social networks, like Twitter. because information flows so unbelievably freely now, people are exposed to more music and artists and videos at a much faster rate. The Studio/Label system of positioning doesn't hold as much weight because it's easier to find music not proposed in those mediums.

The trick is MARKETING. It's a huge project to launch a band, and the record labels know it. The trick is doing it on your own. And it is an almost impossible trick.

Bands like Radiohead are capitalizing on this even more, mainly because they have the money up front to scale the mountain. They can pay for their recording, music videos, distribution fees and marketing themselves. They would have to pay for it anyway (as mentioned above, the RECOUPABLES) but because they can up front, they have no need for the labels.

That is my understanding of it anyway. Once you are established enough, you can do it on your own. But even still, you need to be a HUGE band like Radiohead. You have to be willing to rely on current fans. To me the benefit is almost the simplicity of using a Lablel, not having to deal with every little thing that goes into getting an album from your brain to iTunes or Best Buy.

This system is somewhat more problematic in Hollywood. Making a movie is significantly more expense than an album. I would almost say that the Studios are more necessary in this case TO MAKE CERTAIN KINDS OF FILMS because the infrastructure is just too large. This is not to say one couldn't make a big budget movie on your own, but the expenses are astronomical. And there is the risk. And in both the movie and music industries, a lot of channels are governed by bureaucracy that only permits dealing with established CORPORATE systems -- this is for safety, because they have a reputation.

Michael Bay probably has enough money to say "Fuck You Dreamworks" and go make Transformers 3 on his own. And he'd probably get the distributors (AMC, Pacific Theatres, all the other movie houses) to carry his film, and he could probably afford the $100 million in marketing. But he'd have to jump through so many hoops to do it (SAG, union wavers, etc). He'd be UNINSURABLE. He'd get screwed on every deal he makes because the entertainment industry is a series of SYSTEMS -- as soon as you go outside them, no one in the system wants to help you because they either don't like you interloping, or they are unconvinced you'll make it work because they've never seen it before.

Systems work because they are established.

My bottom line is that pirating music is not an effective way to enact change. It started from my belief that by downloading a song, you're telling the artists who wrote and performed that song that they aren't worth it. You're not saying fuck you to the Record Labels because. Pirating a song doesn't help a musician. It hurts them. Because 5cents on the dollar is still better than no cents on the dollar.

This all stems from my hope that when I make movies (and at that point, the technical hurdles that are holding movie piracy at somewhat of check) people won't take that from me. Not because I'm greedy, but because I want people to appreciate my work and value it. I'd like them to say "man, that's WORTH it".

And if it's not WORTH it, why are you consuming it in the first place?

And actually, in the effort of full disclosure, i did download an album a few months ago. But that's because it wasn't available on iTunes or Amazon (it later became available, but I did not purchase it then).

I am at a point in my life where I can afford to pay for my media consumption. I think of it as an investment in my future. I am not so altruistic that I will go and purchase music I have acquired in the past, but I can no longer in good consciousness support undermining a system I later hope to not only utilize by benefit from, and with a lot of hard work somehow improve so that artist is respected and valued as the cornerstone to this industry.

Fwd: Do dogs go to heaven?

2009-07-25T15:59:00.001-07:00

This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern US town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church, and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.

The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously and are getting a bit upset...

the catastrophe of kindness

2008-12-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

First, let me preface this with an observation in regards to a priorly posted article on Facebook as a narcissistic platform (http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=43084280951&h=91VxK).
I just happen to have spent much of my written musings on this issue
through Facebook and with people who are actively involved with it. How
ironic that it just ate an entire draft of this post. Serves me right.

I guess I wanted to just clarify my position on this "dying art of
niceness." My belief is not that i feel the world is getting meaner,
that people are becoming less nice. While this may in fact be true -- I
haven't fully solidified for myself this opinion -- and if it is that
is another matter entirely, my duress stems from this overwhelming
notion that people see kindness as a toxic state-of-mind. That there is
a growing perception that being kind is detrimental to certain social
interactions and progressions. I clearly do not believe this to be
true, and generally think that being kind is rewarding, not only for
the beneficiary but for yourself. I admit this: people do nice things
because it makes them feel better. But i find this far more uplifting
than the opposite: people do MEAN things because it makes them feel
better. We tread the area of dominance, martyrdom and other
subjugationary concepts, which is not really the crux here; rather, the
idea that being nice (I repeat this phrase because I don't want to use
the word 'good' and 'bad.' problematic as 'nice' and 'mean' are, I find
'good' and 'evil' to be even more fluid terms) -- the idea that
kindness as a means to an end is more fulfilling to everyone than
cruelty.

There will always be certain people who are attracted to self-harm, no
matter how insignificant. The attraction to the "bad girl/boy;" an
attraction to danger i suppose. I've felt it, I think for a different
reason than most people do, but it is certainly a undeniable state of
being, no matter how nascent it's manifestation may be. This does not
mean, that one should aspire to be this dangerous, abusive person. That
is my fear. That people are beginning to believe that if you give of
yourself, if you are kind, you will not be rewarded. Therefore, the
people who are kind, loving, will stop giving of themselves -- not
necessarily becoming mean; it doesn't really matter what they become --
in order to feel more in tune with this introverted, take-it-for-myself
mentality.

Perhaps then the real change is an onset of apathy, which is even more
distasteful. I would much rather strong, fiery opinions of rage and
anger, because at least you can engage that, at least there is a
passion there. In some way zealousness (as in fanaticism) is less
disturbing than apathy.

I think I'm a pretty 'good' kid. Sometimes I think I'm too good. I hate
direct confrontation, I'm still very shy, I rationalize everything to
the point of futility. I respect peoples opinions (for the most part)
or at least try to. I don't like to take advantage of people -- I have
-- and I'm trying to more and more be honest and open as much as
possible (which is hard when you're constantly intellectualizing
everything you do). I think in many ways this has bottle-necked me
emotionally. I think I have very strong emotional reactions to almost
all situations, but I'm not very good about projecting those. I grew up
in a situations where people were very emotionally unstable around me
so I tried to be more stable, less of a sea-saw. Old habits die hard.

Maybe that's too much information. Look, I'm not the nicest person I
know (that would be my mother, or my friend Griff, or any number of
other people I could name); I'm just saying that I've ascribed kindness
as a guiding force for me, and whether I have successfully manifest it
or not, I have tried to find happiness by making other people happy.
And it is terrifying that people would turn from that, would WANT to be
un-kind, because it invalidates that core belief. Because what if I'm
wrong? What if I had been a jackass all through college. Maybe I
wouldn't have the regrets and hesitations and feelings of missed
opportunities that I have now. Maybe I would be happier? And isn't that
the worst question you can ask yourself?
"Maybe I would be happier?"

And how apt that in the end my anxiety over outward expression is
nothing more than a need for self validation-- a narcissistic fear of
rejection through perpetuated doubt.

Don't worry, I don't think I'm going to change. I just have to convince
people that it's okay to be nice. That you can be completely giving (in
whatever way that resonates with you) and people will like you. That
just because you buy someone their dinner doesn't mean they owe you, or
that you're trying to get something from them.

I really shouldn't post this to facebook. Oh well.

From an email I was forwarded

2008-10-07T23:07:00.001-07:00

Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 4:54 PM

I received this from at least a couple of my friends yesterday. It is an interesting idea and great way to stay out of the crazy vibes that are in the air all around us!!

I want to make two specific requests (discussion follows):

1) Three times a day or more I suggest you say or just think to yourself "President Obama" and when you do to imagine it being true right now and feeling all the great feelings that go with this thought.

2) Share your good feelings by forwarding this email to all your friends who you know for a fact are voting for Obama and will be thrilled when he wins, encouraging them to send it on to their friends.

Discussion:
It dawned on me that many of us are getting caught in the fear orgy the Republicans love to create because most of their policies are based in fear. They even fail to recognize that the opposite of fear is not hope but trust and expectation. So eliminating fear requires practicing trust and expectation. Fearing the Republicans is just more fear and feeds their cause. I don't expect us to never experience fearful thoughts. Notice the feeling of trust and expectation you feel when you have the thought: "President Obama".

When I first thought of this I anticipated that some, me included, would react with, "well just thinking about it won't do it. Way too 'airy-fairy'. What we need is to be in action. "Interesting thought, but aligning our thoughts with what we want never hurts and imagining what we want never precludes getting
into action. In fact, imagining "President Obama" is more likely to inspire those actions that will create this wonderful outcome. Not to mention, if a whole bunch of us are feeling good, instead of afraid, resigned and helpless, then we will probably get a whole lot more done.

Practice this thought and notice that it makes you feel good and certainly more resourceful. The decision to send this email came to me last ni ght after deciding to practice this thought myself yesterday - "President Obama" Aaaaah. Like taking off a shoe that's too tight - happy and relieved.

I did the math and if each of sends this to ten others and only five send it on, then in 13 rounds this email will reach over 244 Million people. Probably less because of repeats. If we send it to more and let's say 10 send it on then in 9 rounds 1 Billion emails will be sent. Staggering and no one is asking you to send any money.

When I first heard Barak Obama speak in 2004 at the convention, I thought, "This man could be President someday." I, like many others, are inspired by him and know that behind his inspiring words is a strong, thoughtful and courageous intelligence. Let's join together to make "President Obama" (Aaaaaah) a reality by imagining together that it already is. Let's feel good about this election.

REVIEW: Biodegradable trash bags

2008-09-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

Product Link: http://www.greenofficestore.com/details.asp?id=STOG2430W70

These trash bags are pretty average. I think the concept is great because you can only imagine how many trash bags are sitting in those landfills, wrapped around everything else but never actually disappearing themselves.

The bags themselves hold up to most standard, lightweight comparisons. They hold a good amount of material an have good strength. However, I noticed that they are susceptible to puncture, much more so than the trash bags i used previously (cheap-o's from Target). Furthermore, they don't have a drawstring -- the downside for me on this one is that you actually lose space because you have to leave extra bag to tie it off. Coupled with their slightly smaller size (13-gal vs. the standard 16-gal), it means i get only about 2/3 as much use out of them.

I also find them somewhat paradocical when I'm throwing away things like paint covered plastic and other things that cannot be recycled but which will not biodegrade.

I think their ideal use would be to line compost buckets, which unfortunately I do not have.

Please go here to check them out for yourselves: http://www.greenofficesupplies.com

Green product review series

2008-09-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

in the never ending but frequently interrupted stream of eco-concious postings---

I came across this cool site: http://www.freegreencleaners.com where you can try out "green" household supplies for free. The only catch is you have to post a review to do so, which is fine. So immanently and hopefully again in the future you'll read a little about some products I've tried and what I think. You can get them here if you like: http://greenofficestore.com/

video says it all.

2008-08-10T10:23:00.001-07:00

this is airing during the olympics. Check it out, it's a cool vid.

ten hours on a sunday

2008-07-07T00:48:00.001-07:00

Check out this short video i edited today. Yay for ten hours in the office on a sunday [which is actually really fast when you consider i kicked out and posted five versions]. Vote funny!

http://www.funnyordie.com/laurenbarret/playlists/166616?item=0

facebook infiltration

2008-07-07T00:40:00.000-07:00

James Bond is back!

2008-07-06T18:18:00.001-07:00

I love this trailer [second from left under "videos"]. I wish I could say I had anything to do with it (actually, I think I encoded the video for the widget, so I had a very little something to do with it).... go to www.007.com to watch it in big-vision (which i didn't encode but still looks good anyway).

Drink Fiji Water

2008-06-29T23:41:00.001-07:00

I can honestly say i never would have thought myself telling people that. But here I am. Telling you all just that. Drink. Fiji. Water.

Here's why: http://www.fijigreen.com/

As I hope some of you can tell, Fiji's green initiatives are some of the most impressive and substantive contributions to corporate 'greening' that I've seen. Their choices are informed and proactive (as opposed to reactive). They're goal is to be carbon negative within two years (they may already be...) and their method shows a real commitment (as opposed to just throwing money at carbon offsets, their actively reducing carbon by planting trees). Furthermore, their focus extends beyond their own production; they are taking into consideration a complete production system.

I personally don't drink bottled water (and in fact, I really should be promoting drinking water from your own personal containers). But if you do, and you can afford it, try out the guys in that fancy square bottle. I hear it's delicious.

Another petition!

2008-06-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

I like it when Oxfam does stuff for the world.

http://act.oxfamamerica.org/campaign/2008_g8/wbkndgb40ibnkbd?

And you don't have to donate to make the signature count (what kind of a nonProf would it be if it didn't try to get ya for some contribution).

more Junk Mail stoppers

2008-06-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

https://www.greendimes.com/

this one offers a variety of services on how to stop unwanted junk mail (including a comprehensive junk catalogue stopper)

ouch

2008-05-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D827IxEJVS4

Not the same

2008-05-21T23:05:00.001-07:00

So apple just aired a new ad for itunes with Coldplay. The song is damn good. But the video is AMAZING!!!!

http://www.apple.com/itunes/?movie=c

scroll down (it should start automatically)

At work recently I've been focusing my energy into motion graphics (is what it sounds). If I can be half as good as that iPod ad I'd be so set, and happy. and hirable.

If you go either Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune you can see a couple examples of some of the better graphics work I've done. (do yourself a favor and only watch one interview because they all use the same graphic elements).

Eventually I'll get a reel together. I think I've finally got enough stuff to fill one out nicely.

Make your friends and family Disappear!*

2008-04-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

EXTRA! SPECIAL! EXTRA! SPECIAL! EXTRA! SPECIAL!

FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!**

That's right! Now's your chance to MAKE SOMEONE DISAPPEAR!* For just $90.00 a year, you can erase yourself or anyone you know from the face of the earth! Cars, plane tickets, power bills, you can make it all vanish with just a few easy clicks!

What a power rush! ClickPOOF! clickClickPOOFPOOF! Say hello to a better, cleaner tomorrow!

To start sending your friends into ecological obscurity, visit this handy website!***

If you'd rather pick a different method of human carbodesubstantiation, might I recommend a visit to this mysterious module of information?

REMEMBER!!!

Time is quickly! (ticktock) Running!! (Tick Tock!) OUT!!! (TICK-FREAKING-TOCK!).

Act now and act often!

Sincerely,

The Architect of Photosynthesis

*please note: for better or worse, friends and family members targeted by carbonfund.org will not actually disappear.

**Offer expires when we burn this planet to a charred hunk of rock.

***Carbon offsetting does not negate your impact on the earth. It is a significant step to fighting global warming, but there are many other factors that detrimentally impact the earth and our environment. But for $90.00 a year/person, you'd be pretty negligent not to make the first step. And it is and important one.

paper waste

2008-04-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hello, ready for another one? I urge anyone who reads this to make every attempt they can to opt out of paper mailings. I thought this was a pretty hard thing to do until I actually tried. Turns out that most mail advertisements have an easy opt out option on their website.

For all those flyer style ads, check near your address and you should find what company is sending you the fliers (the one out here is called Valassis). Google them and you should find a way to discontinue receiving all that extra paper. (I had to go under the "services" section of their website to find the option; it may be hidden because obviously they don't WANT you to opt out.)

Here is their link in case you also receive notices from them:

http://www.advo.com/consumersupport.html

There are two other sites that will help reduce the amount of junk mail you get sent:

First and foremost, here is the address to opt out of prescreened credit offers. I dunno about you but I (used to) get at least one credit card offer in the mail every day. Now I get none. It really works. It takes almost two months to kick in but once it does it works! It also helps protected your identity. And if you're one of the people who reads my blog, I'm pretty damn sure you're not interested in those offers.

https://www.optoutprescreen.com/

To opt out of generic marketing messaging (not sure how effective this is or whether i actually got it to work):

https://www.dmachoice.org/MPS/proto1.php

I also just opted out of that little envelope of coupons (out here It's called Valpack but I imagine this differs by region).

Another probably obvious thing to consider is that almost all magazines make their content available online FOR FREE. So you not only save money but you save the trees as well. So you should all cancel your physical mail subscriptions. I would urge anyone and everyone to sign up to RSS feeds for their favorite magazines. All you need is a RSS reader/aggregator and lucky you, almost ALL current email programs have built in aggregation functionality. Firefox even has it built in so you can read it directly in the browser. Just bookmark the feed (it appears just like a webpage if you're using firefox/safari) and you will see how many [new] articles are in it at all times!

So that's my Green Speech of the day. Unless I see something else.

-The Architect of Photosynthesis

powerless

2008-04-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

http://www.worldwildlife.org/who/media/press/2008/WWFPresitem8736.html

reposting from one of my tango teachers

2008-04-07T22:24:00.001-07:00

FAREWELL LETTER FROM A GENIUS
Gabriel Garcia Marquez, famous writer from Colombia, and Nobel Peace Prize winner for literature, has retired from public life for reasons of health. He has a form of cancer, which is terminal. He has sent a farewell letter to his friends. It is recommended reading because it is moving to see how one of the best and most brilliant of writers expresses himself and with sorrow. (Even as I'm SURE this would have sounded TWICE as good in Spanish, let us enjoy the English version nonetheless...) He says:

If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life, I would use it to the best of my ability. I wouldn't, possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say. I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express. I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light. I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.

If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy.

To all men, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love. I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.

To old people I would say that death doesn't arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness. I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken and the form used to reach the top of the hill.

I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father's finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life. I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.

Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul. If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say 'I love you'. There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you and that I will never forget you.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn't wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.

Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them 'I am sorry'; 'forgive me', 'please', 'thank you', and all those loving words you know.

Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them. Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you. Send this letter to those you love. If you don't do it today... tomorrow will be like yesterday, and if you never do it, it doesn't matter either, the moment to do it is now.

For you,
With much love,
Your Friend,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

been a while

2008-03-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

http://wecansolveit.org

http://www.climateprotect.org

http://www11.earthhourus.org

http://www.storyofstuff.com/ (long and a bit condemning, but interesting)
http://wecansolveit.org/page/s/globaltreaty (one click)

transient people

2007-10-21T01:32:00.000-07:00

I had a rather bizarre flash of insight this morning in the shower. You see, I found myself this weekend in San Diego for a wedding for a couple I had never met in my life and indeed, still have never met, having managed to conduct my entire experience at the festivities without so much as making eye contact with either party. As such, I began thinking back to the folding of June into July, when I was last engaged with such fanfare, though that time it was in Hawai'i and I had a rather strong relationship with both bride and groom.

And as I stood under the water I was struck by a simultaneously terrifying and wondering rumination. Kate and Auston, the bride and groom at that beautiful tropical wedding, will be my friends for a long time. I may go long stretches without so much as emailing them, but I know we will see each other over time in the future. We will stay in touch and see each other There are many people like this, and though we never see our friends from the past as often as we like, we do see them. But that is not what I was thinking about. It was two other people in particular who graced my memory, and from them a whole category of humanity.

Jamie and Amy where two members of the wedding party--or really, Jamie was and Amy was his date. And these two really wonderful people were as much a part of the wedding adventure as Kate, Auston or even Shirley--my former roommate--were. I felt very close to them, and was grateful that they chose to spend time with me. They were a pair of people I felt very connected to, as though we had been friends for years. There was a depth to our interactions, a breaking down of the walls. I'm sure you know what I mean; strangers that you resonate with, who skip the 'acquaintances' stage and move directly on to friends.

And as I was standing in that shower I was suddenly so terribly sad because I realized I would probably never see those two again. I say probably because circumstances obviously are not set in stone (Jamie and I both graduated Brown the same year though I did not know him during my stay there). I kept thinking about how such a strong, impactful experience could leave no material consequences, and how disappointing it was that such strong emotions would not be motivational enough to cause me to go out of my way. And I thought of all such meetings, all such connections I've had, and I began to think of the ones I do have, those dwindling, threadlike memories to all my friends from years ago, and how easily they could break and people I once held so dear could slip into obscurity. And I was heartbroken.

This evening, before coming home, I came to a secondary realization. I thought that those fleeting friendships, friendships of circumstance are not something to lament in their brevity, but to actual marvel at. The fact that I am writing about it now should be evidence to that extent. And even to those long held friends, the ones that I feel slipping away, I at once think "how, tragic, how sad, to loose such deep connections" but I also realize that there is a beauty to these people. That someone I know for three days can be so important to me, can bring me happy memories, however brief and subtle. And to think that even if I do loose touch with my best and most cherished friends, if our futures pull us out of touch and contact, I will have those memories to make me a better person, and I will be able to make new friends and enrich those relationships with my feelings from the previous ones.

That might be an overly exaggerated way of justifying my lack of communication skills, but I was most profoundly struck by the optimistic re-imagining of an otherwise cynical and depressing contemplation of human nature.

picture comment

2007-09-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

For Amy (not sister amy...)

Primer

2007-09-03T01:41:00.001-07:00

I'm having a little bit of a meltdown here.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390384/fullcredits#cast
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1503403/

please note the crew list on the first link.

there are five names there...two of them doubled as actors....
the second link represents my new hero.

the film itself was good. not great, but good. that it was made bu five people is BLOWING MY MIND. that it won GRAND JURY at SUNDANCE is killing me.

also, drunk people outside = lame

website

2007-08-28T00:43:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

in a two part bid, I'm posting the link to the website for my friends production company (which I suppose I am a part of by association.)

We're still working out a bunch of kinks with the hosting, and google hasn't crawled it yet (meaning the search function won't work right now).

Also, there is just a landing page...once we get the hosting up you can view the trailer.

Oh yeah, and our film got into the LA short film festival...which is why i stayed up till 3am making the site friday...and not because I'm a loser....really.

the link is:

http://www.dustandcoalproductions.com/

eventually, we will have a subpage for our film, The Middleman, but for now that link just goes to D&C as well.

http://www.themiddlemanmovie.com

Complete Finality Redux

2007-08-11T01:18:00.001-07:00

I just posted this to another blog. It is rife with Harry Potter spoilers from the seventh book, so casual onlookers and the few friends who read this blog should be wary.

Read why my heart is pounding...

Daniel Radcliffe and the Order of IMAX 3D

2007-08-04T00:42:00.002-07:00

I saw the fifth and most explosive (literally) of the Harry Potter films this evening on the VERY big screen. Though I have often played the undecided card on films in the past, I can't help but describe my reaction to this film as apathetic. Just a note, for anyone who cares, there will be spoilers here, and potentially for more than just this film.

This is the longest of the Potter books by nearly 100 pages, and yet is the shortest film. I feel compelled to diverge here slightly into some thoughts on storytelling and adaptation in respect to temporality. Probably the biggest complaint -- or at least the most prolific -- in these huge franchise adaptation films (think comic book movies primarily) is how true it remains to the source material. What I think people don't understand is that they are watching a movie, not a book. A film is a completely different entity and therefore should and DOES stand apart, as an independent structure. That said, a filmmaker must take care when adapting high-profile source material as the draw to the film in the first place is going to be the fan base. I imagine it is a point of contention as to how many tickets are sold for a film based on the title alone. Probably more than I would hope. The point here is simply a film is going to take the elements from it's source material that both a) translate to film and b) work within the cinematic story. This is not really what I want to talk about though.

This said, working from an 870 page novel is certainly a daunting task. It probably comes as no surprise when I say that this film had both good 'adaptive' aspects and poor ones. Let me divide further into three sections: advancement, lines and key scenes. I think that the overall progression of the film worked remarkably well (considering my thought below). In the end, this was a successful movie because the story felt tied together. I think they transitions were the main strength of the story. However, the actual plot lines and character arcs were where the film suffered. Some arcs were admirably full and rewarding (I think the most enjoyable story in this film is actual Harry overcoming his new teach, Deloris Umbridge -- this whole development was really wonderful) while others were disappointingly thin. And I think that the biggest problem is that the main thrust of this film -- the build up to Harry's inextricable tie with his arch enemy -- becomes lost in the middle. We have a setup that clearly sets up some new relationship, and we have a climax that inexorably solidifies that connection, but within the middle I felt a little lost.

Those of you who have seen the film might point out that all of the books digress towards the middle. I agree (or maybe you don't think that and I just always feel that). What makes Rowling's books so enjoyable are the way the master plots play in and out of the daily stories. Well, when this comes to film, the pairing down process trims out the 'padding' but rather than embellish on the main thrust, we stick to some key plot lines...and sometimes these work and sometimes they don't. I actually think that the fourth movie was one of the most narratively successful because it has such a refined narrative drive: everything leads toward the conclusion. When I read the book, I felt the events were almost too general; to me they work better in a film because they become more focused, more refined -- by necessity -- and thus built momentum. In this film, I felt that the Harry-Voldemort dichotomy and the Harry-Umbridge dichotomy were playing against each other.

The last of the three elements I want to talk about is key scenes. I'm sure this term is not readily understood because, in truth, I'm not sure what I mean by it either. I use it to draw attention to the seemingly extra-ordinary scenes sprinkled throughout the movie. These are scenes that for one reason or another the filmmakers decided to include. I can guess that they are there because they seem poignant, or are 'cool' but for the most part they seem superfluous. As a fan, I think there are other scenes to 'through in' that are not only more interesting, but also tie into the plot better, both of the current film (priority one) but also of the future films (and I say this because I know many such stray scenes are included in all of these movies because of there significance in later chapters of the series).

I think my biggest complaint is how absent the titular group -- The Order of the Phoenix -- was in the film. Not only does this element tie more directly into the main spine of the story, but I think, as a reader and a fan, it is also one of the more interesting aspects. We glean almost no information about this group from the film and it leaves the characters, which will play an increasingly larger role in the film, vacant and empty.

All this said, I thought the film was very enjoyable. I think David Yates had a unique vision of the world, and his conceptualization of magical battles was actually stunning. By far the best climax of any film in the series and certainly giving most blockbuster films out there a run for their money. These aren't kids playing with magic, the fighting in here is full blown, very gestural and spectacular in every sense of the word. I think Yates made some nice -- if subtle -- improvements to the visuals of the world, envisionings that I certainly felt more in line with. However, his actual directing was somewhat routine, and if nothing else repetitive. The editing felt naturally creative. Cinematography wise, it felt diverse almost to segregation. It had very different moods throughout, but there was little connectivity between the drastically different settings. Also, Yates really like the pull through the window-pane shot. He uses it at least four times that I can remember. Yates comes from TV directing primarily and I think that it shows in how his characters act (in a good way). He loves close ups which are great because normally you don't see directors getting that close to child/teenage actors (film theory says: the camera doesn't want to be that intrusive because doing so threatens the subject, the camera/our presence makes them vulnerable, and we as an audience member don't want to be a cause of a child's pain, so we prefer to stay back and watch from a distance. Yate's use of the close-up reveals that not only is the movie more about the characters [and it is] but it also implies that these are not children any more and we should be experiencing them as adults [which we do]). The downside to this lensing is that in 3D, the characters become overwhelming.

I think the acting overall was better than it ever has been. More than ever I believed these characters existed in a real world (well, that credit is more to the director again, so another kudos for David). But above all was Daniel Radcliffe's performance. Radcliffe stands out as the star in this film I think even more than in the past, and he really has grown a lot. I still feel like he is 'trying' to hard in some points, but he really has claimed ownership of Harry Potter and is truly showing how to bring him to life as a believable person. I think for the first time I stopped seeing Daniel-Radcliffe-as-JK-Rowling's-Harry-Potter and began to see him as a character all of his own, a Harry Potter that isn't the one from the books, but that exists in this film, in this world. (I could go off in yet another direction about the continuity of style and character from film to film but that's another epic). I felt that Emma Watson and Rupert Grint have really grown as well. Emma still feels a bit forced to me, in some scenes more than others, but I have been titled over to the side where I feel confident that she will fully embody her character by the end of the series. Rupert's performance was years above his prior appearance's, and I think that both the writer and the director really gave Ron a chance to come alive as a member of the team. He feels much more real in the world, if as superfluous as ever.

These ruminations always become my larger than I intend them to. I think the highlights of the film are that it feels different from the others, the world feels more real than most of the other films and the characters more a part of it (I think Alfonso Cuaron really set a precedent in this category for the third film, one which Newell seemed to skip over in a return to the more high-concept fantastical elements of the fourth movie), and that the action is more intense. It falls short -- as so many of these stories do -- in the plot department, primarily because it tries to cover a little more than it should...spread too thin, if you will.

Overall, I'm very glad I finally saw it, and I think that the three weeks it took me to see it where certainly offset by the IMAX experience. Helena Bonham-Carter exploding off the screen is more terrifying than I would like to admit.

grains of salt

2007-07-31T23:56:00.001-07:00

also, I'm in a relationship now. Her name is Playstation 3. I'm not sure it's a healthy one.

some favorite quotes

2007-07-31T23:45:00.001-07:00

really, I'm just cleaning up my facebook page, but I don't want to loose these:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To live would be an awfully big adventure.
-Peter Pan

Not all who wander are lost.
-J.R.R. Tolkien

I think we all need stories. We make up stories so that we can get by. And I think a long time ago there were big stories. Stories so big you could live your whole life in them. The Powerful Hands of the Gods and Fate. The Journey to Enlightenment. The March of Socialism. But they all died or the world grew up or grew senile or forgot them, so now we’re all making up our own stories. Little stories. But we’ve each got one.
-Mark Ravenhill

I just listen, and every morning have a moment of such happiness, I breathe and breathe until the terror returns.
...
When I step outside the ugliness is so shattering
it has become dear to me, like a retarded child, precious to me.
...
We are created by being destroyed.
-Franz Wright

I do not wish to treat friendship daintily, but with roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads of frost work, but the solidest things we know."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

From various corners of the Web:

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
-Tom Stoppard

At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas.
-Aldous Huxley

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
-Frank Tibolt

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
-Oscar Wilde

No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself.
- Thomas Mann

"hearts are like tiny gremlins that have a mind of their own and gnaw at the rest of you when they aren't tended to and make you cry because you just want to rip it out and jump on it and be like "STUPID GREMLIN HEART!!!" but then you'd die"
-me

Circles

2007-06-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

I think that circles are a very good shape. They are strong, sturdy, self-contained and self reliant. yet you can put things in them, hang them on things. They have no beginning to start at and no end to leave from. A circle always comes back to itself.

Some people might call a circle a trap, a vicious cycle, going in circles. I think that the perfect circle is just big enough to be imperceptible, for we always come back around. Sometimes, we do so quickly, painfully, suddenly. Other times it is a pleasant surprise. And while the circle itself has no begin or end, paths along it have these things; a circle has sections.

Really this metaphor needs to relate to 10-dimensional string theory, but as neither anyone reading this nor myself have a remote grasp on such science, lets just skip to the chase.

I bring up circles because of this blog. It -- like just about everything in my life -- started out in focus of my potential and realized gainful employment. Those who have read this have born witness to my opinions of my current job.

I have come now to another turn in the cycle. Today marked my first day as an official Regular Full-Time Sony Pictures Entertainment Employee. Fanfare, if you please. And in the remote chance that my apartment co-inhibitor should find this posting: no, I'm not making any more money, so you still have to pay your rent.

The strange thing is that I'm oddly contented with the job. Really, not much has changed. We have gotten a few editing projects, but really nothing remotely like what I was hoping for or anticipating. To compensate, I have become a demon at my job. I figure if I can't be doing something creative, I should at least be doing something useful. So I make sure I am always doing work, even if it means stealing it from other people.

I've been working on a new full-screen video player (which is actually what got me 'promoted' I believe). Having not used Flash for many years, it was more work than I would have liked, but also very rewarding to learn the scripting language (ActionScript). I even got a complimented from one of the senior Flash programmers that I had already taught myself more than half the developers on the web production team know. I doubt that, but I like it when I people acknowledge my work performance.

I also moved at the beginning of this month. It seems like it was a lot longer ago. I have the very rare luxury of living near work. In fact, I could easily bike there and even walk if I got up a little earlier. However, given that I live in LA, I drive. I also drop my roommate off at the bus (irony--or just another circle?) which should help to ensure he pays the amount of rent we agreed on.

The place is really big, and I've spent too much money on putting things in it...like rugs. It's in a complex which is really pretty. I wish I had more time to just enjoy the area. The reason which is actually not such a bad thing.

Erica (my friend from Brown) and I just finished our first screenplay. It's long -- 143 pages currently -- but we're pretty pleased with it. Strangely, I got roped into writing a romantic comedy. Definitely not the first thing I thought I would pen. Anyone in my family or close friends will probably get an email with the script attached for reading. The goal is to get a shorter version by the end of July and a final -- or at least pitch-ready -- script by the end of the summer.

Writing has been a much more positive experience that i thought it was. The script was reletively easy to write, almost entirely because we spent close to two months working through the ideas before we started writing a page. There were two benefits to this. The obvious one in that we are more familiar with the story, have outlines, know the characters, etc. But one of the things I was afraid of when working with Erica (and going from experience) was a difference of opinion. I was afraid we would be at odds throughout the entire writing process. However, all of the pre-writing really made sure we were on the same track when we put the proverbial pen to paper.

My boss actually said a really interesting thing, that we've now completed the grunt work and this is where the artistry and fun kicks in. It's hard to look at the script and think of it changing in any way...but that's how everyone feels after they've finished writing something.

I'm actually going to Hawaii on Wednesday for a friends wedding. This will basically be my first vacationing vacation in forever. Sorry parents, fun as it...later on...was, Oklahoma isn't really a vacation hot spot.

Other than that, the only other interesting thing in my life right now is Tango. I don't know if I posted anything about it before, but I started taking lessons about five months ago, once a week. I'm really enjoying it, and only now, like literally last week, feeling like I'm at a point where I am comfortable to study it longer term. I don't know how big a part of my life it will become, but I really love it. But God Damn it is HARD! It's a very specific way of moving, and it's actually a very precise dance when you get good at it. And because, like most social dance, it's improvised, you have to be really on top of it to be a good dancer and interesting. Even now I'm still not 100% with even the most basic elements, but I also feel like you're core skills refine the longer you dance (I'm talking even just walking).

I've also taken to downloading music used in movie trailers...When I actually write an action movie, it's going to be so crazy.

Epic achieved. Signing off for another long time.

Stomp The Yard

2007-06-23T00:38:00.000-07:00

I just watched the movie Stomp The Yard.

While certainly not the best movie around, damn those boys and girls can ACT. In fact, the only thing better than the acting was the dancing. One of the best dance films in recent memory. Also, a movie made with a truly tremendous amount of heart, and earning every cliche they use. If I had the mental capacity, I would definitely file the creative team as one to keep an eye out for.

Man, this blog is totally turning into a very rare movie review page with a sprinkling of cats and emo drama.

Quantum Physics + LOLcats

2007-06-05T22:41:00.001-07:00

Quantum physics + cat macro....

a very short adventure

2007-06-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

9:25 - go to target.com to research exercise balls
9:28 - find one I like (and red too!)
9:29 - check store availability. Notice target down the street a) has desired ball in stock and b) closes at 10pm
9:32 - run out of my apartment into my car.
9:33 - start to leave garage
9:34 - contact lens falls out of my eye
9:35 - pull over and hunt for contact lens in car
9:39 - become incredibly frustrated and through mild temper tantrum
9:40 - continue driving to target half-blind
9:42 - arrive at target
9:43 - resume hunting for contact lens.
9:44 - locate contact lens in seat adjusting device. successfully retrieve it
9:45 - spit on contact lens and rub it around to remove dirt
9:46 - enter target
9:48 - locate exercise section
9:50 - place spit covered contact lens in eye.
9:51 - stop screaming in pain
9:52 - through another temper tantrum because i can't find the exercise ball i want
9:55 - locate exercise ball
9:57 - purchase exercise ball
9:59 - proceed to drive home
10:03 - arrive home

Along the way, I decided I am too stressed out.

a little more happy

2007-04-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

I watched a pretty mediocre movie tonight: Jet Li's fearless. It was entirely too unremarkable to talk about, except for one part. He fights so Japanese guy.

僕が映画の人の話をもうちょっと分かるので、嬉しくなりたんだ

and being able to say "i was happy i could still understand a little of what they were saying" in broken Japaneses makes me more so (with the exception of the word happy itself which i had to look up--my grammar has always been better than my vocab). Why does this matter? it doesn't, but I was able to understand enough to know that the translations in the subtitles were so far from accurate they weren't even close to being relevant.

oyasumi~

The pinnacle of awesome in 3 easy steps:

2007-04-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

Step 1:
go to this website.

Step 2:
Choose your desired quality (480P should do it for most of you).

Step 3:
Remember to breath.

Look out Spider-Man, look out Pirates, look out whatever other trash studios are throwing at us this summer...

the movie post i promised

2007-04-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

Not really...because I'm not writing about Flags of our Fathers, which was a superior movie.

I saw Reign Over Me tonight. This movie doesn't stand out in my mind as worthy of posting about necessarily, but I haven't written in a while, and I know my dad was planning on seeing it this weekend so that gives the movie a few bonus points I guess.

The film was ... schizophrenic. It had moments of great everything -- acting, directing, writing -- and then moments of just "really? why the hell is that here?" Don Cheadle was pretty much amazing across the board, and Adam Sandler pulled out a nice if someone predictable performance.

I guess the real merit of the film is that it addresses Post-911 without actually approaching the ... event. This is not to say a movie which does deal with that day is bad (read: Flight 93) but we certainly have seen some iffy ones (read: World Trade Center). It was a very human story, and a good one, I just felt like it became a little too tell-y and now enough show. It's a film where flashbacks would have worked well...funny thing is, there are flashbacks to a degree, but only 2/3rds of the way through so it hits that uh-0h zone where a writer/director (one and the same here) introduces a device late into the script. So I would have pushed the flashbacks, the 'visions' and used them to show us rather than tell us the feelings, the events, the reactions. That's what this movie is about, a reaction, and I want to see it not hear it.

To Mike Binder's credit, there are many wonderfully directed moments. There are also some really iffy scenes that save themselves in the end, but I sit there wondering why they let the shark into the room.

I think in the end Adam Sandler played his role too crazy. To give something away (insert big red spoiler alert here), there is a line where this random RANDOM character who has no business in the story other than to say this line comments: "can't they just see he has a broken heart? a very very broken heart?"

That's the movie. But I don't think it comes across. He does too much shaking and not enough crying/running. It's a tough call. I just don't see him as broken I see him as crazy and that's a less powerful choice.

Also, the music was pretty bad. I thought it was distractingly arbitrary. Thankful it only really hits the movie in a couple of places, but each time I just wink out of the world.

Overall, it feels and looks like a big budget indy film, which is i guess what it is even though it was a study production. A good attempt and by no means a bad film, just not quite the human journey of tragedy and redemption it could have been. It almost feels like crash in that what hurts you is not the actual storytelling but the situations involved. Which I guess means it's better written than directed.

Enough nit-picking. Signing off.

I went to the Zoo and saw ANIMALS!

2007-03-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

San_Diego_Zoo_0307

Flags of Our Fathers

2007-03-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

Remind me to make another long cinema-oriented post about how much I want to be Clint Eastwood right now. I'm doing tired / in tears to do it at this moment.

save the world

2007-03-13T20:26:00.001-07:00

Just making another plug for helping save things. Go here, spread the address.

http://www.algore.com/cards.html

and do give me any of that 'i don't trust them with my email address' bullshit. If you care about the issue, just sign the damn letter.

Why this blog is the top of the dork chain

2007-03-07T23:05:00.000-08:00

Oh man. I figure I've been working on promotional stuff for this freaking movie so much I might as well let it completely encompass my life. So with that in mind, a Sony themed template. I like the colours. Man I wish I was British enough to use that for real.

I saw Children of Men again tonight

2007-03-04T00:54:00.000-08:00

Because apparently 36 dollars wasn't enough. Now that movie has claimed 50 dollars from me. wow...and I'm totally going to buy the DVD the second it comes out too... It really is that good.

Yeah, still screaming through it the second time. Absolutely the most underrated film of the year. Words fail.

I'm feeling better this week. Not that I ever really wasn't...denialdenialdenial. I've spent almost every hour at work on a Spider-Man project which has been fun. I really am a workaholic...I think it is the happiest times for me, when I'm enjoying the work anyway. I'm way ahead of the game (The project hasn't even been approved and I've already got second cuts of all the clips).

It is kind of sad though: I got kicked out of the editing room thursday afternoon because there was a gas leak...and I was so horribly bored it was impressive. I'd forgotten how little there is to do and how fast I am at doing it all. I have to log all the jobs from the past week (yes, I am also the record keeper...one man show? it's definitely in contention). and I can't wait to see how much I've done.

Man, if I don't get a raise soon I'm going to either shoot something or just be horrible distressed with this industry.

I wish I could write about all the awesome adventures I've been on but sadly those don't really exist. Here are a couple noteworthy moments that I can remember:

I saw a dead/dying lady in the street while riding the bus
I left my keys in a CVS and had to harass the manager into getting them for me (they were closed...)
I played too many video games
I watched the Oscars and was pleasantly surprised
I bought two hats

man, I work too damn much.

Apparently there was an earthquake here...clearly this is not really true...or at least of no real significance. In any case, I am fine and had no notion of this.

And what am I doing on a Saturday night? Sewing and doing my laundry.

Oh I am the pinnacle of excitement aren't I.

Self-Deprication makes me feel better

2007-02-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

man, and then I go read my sister's blog and just think "I am such a whiny self-centered piece of shit." She's in fucking Africa holding hands with five year old children who will probably contract malaria on an annual basis, witnessing children without parents working in a landfill, and I'm whining because no one acknowledges the work I do and I don't make enough to afford a life I've always claimed I never wanted. Hypocrasy and ignorance. I am a model citizen am I not...

somehow i feel happier now.

Mr. Blue

2007-02-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

I finally watched Running With Scissors. I'm not sure what I think. This is relevant because I interned at the company that helped produce it before getting my job at Sony. I read the book a little while ago and thoroughly enjoyed it in all it's heartbreaking comedy. The book earned most of its power through the shock value, and the brilliant writing. The movie forwent most of the comedy -- no, wait. It forwent subtlety for more direct laugh and cry moments. It had some interesting elements, but it wasn't world changing. Not like Children of Men. which I still need to see again...badly... dammit.

Anyway, I'm pasting a portion of the lyrics from one of the songs from the film. Mr. Blue by Catherine Feeny. She's obscure enough to not be able to pirate her album, not that I tried, but she does have an iTunes store. I haven't purchased a single for a while. So I downloaded the song and all but burst into tears. I think that has more to do with the loneliness and stress and the whispers of depression that flit at my ears, but I'll try and remedy that below. For now, words:

That's the way it goes some days
A fever comes at you without a warning
And I can see it in your face
You've been waiting to break since you woke up this morning

Mr. Blue,
Don't hold your head so low
That you can't see the sky

I hopefully don't have to insult anyone's intelligence to illustrate the allegorical potential here.

Work is better. I forget at what point my last entry covered. Rage and anger have wilted to a subtle depression -- more like a weight and a resignation. Already. Damn. Jack also got 'headcount' status as I heard it referred to today. I was a bit stunned. Not surprised: stunned. I'm trying to convince myself that bodes well, but given that the head of the company gave an apology to everyone (looking directly at me except to notice the floor) explaining that 'converting' was slow process.

I've been handed a nice project. We're working on a Spider-Man site: "A Hero's Journey" which cronicles Spider-Man's growth over the first two movies. It's heavily video oriented, and I'm editing together several clips. It's been a task getting the computer time to do this, but it's fun. Radial blurs galore. I gave a presentation on network storage today. James all but fell asleep and Jack was playing fantasy baseball for part of it. Then I did some more of Steve's job.

I've decided that most creative people aren't all that creative. I warily walk that line as well, but I get to chalk off stress and dedication to my column as excuses. I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel better.

I feel like I've been distant. James spent most of the past week with me. It's nice to have someone to hang out with after work. Since he knows this blog (though he won't remember it) I won't launch into anything else, but I'm sorta glad to have the space for a few nights. He might be moving in here to a degree -- Julianne is really never here and we were all at dinner the other night and she offered...he won't do it because she wants him to pay (a really small amount in reality, but it's still not free). My guess is he'll still crash here a couple nights a week unless the guilt -- unfounded as it is -- gets to him.

Writing meetings have been going well. Erica really knows her stuff. At the same time, I feel like I have a lot of good ideas, which makes me feel useful. I dunno what more to say about it really. It's a highlight. It's certainly the most in groove with why I moved out here. 3 1/2 hours vs 45. Oh well. At least work is a little better.

I went down to San Pedro last Saturday to see a good friend from Brown. That was nice. Except for when the first bus got in late, thereby making me miss the second one by probably 30 seconds which in turn forced me to wait over an hour for the next one. At least I finished my book so the time wasn't wasted and I had yummy nuts and it was warm.

The jury is still out on whether I like or loathe this city. Today was rainy -- one of seventeen days to be such. It's so dirty here, and it runs so deep, i feel like the water just sloshes the gray around and then it all settles into a grime. I miss the green. The other day it was so wonderfully nice though. I need to get away from the city, towards the beach. But I'm trapped here until June. That's always been the reason to have a car; to get away from the awful.

To those I haven't emailed, who I don't respond to over IM. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I just get home and don't have...the heart to bear. I have to smile all day at work. It's an obsession: I feel ... i dunno wrong when I'm not working while at work, as though over-exerting myself will get me the recognition I need faster. People have noticed, which is nice, but there's nothing that can be done. That's always the problem.

Tango is finished for two weeks. It's like the midpoint of my week, my quota of 'extra-curricular' activity for the week. Man I'm such a loser. I get out of work at 7 and I just don't ever feel like doing anything. I dunno why -- I've always kind of been like that. Weeknights are just never enticing for doing things. My weekends always fill up way in advance too. The bus compounds this: add an hour or more to both ends of any activity and you lose daylight fast. Sunday goes from like 2 to 10 continuously. This Sunday earlier because Erica and I are writing before the Oscars and then we're watching them at her place.

Isn't it sad that the Oscars are just that trivial? When did that happen.

Saturday looks like I'm heading up to Woodland Heights (?) to see my other coworkers place. This would of course depend on transportation. Not holding my breath.

The tax paperwork I filed for my friend seems to have gone through all right. I even got one of her penalties waved. Not a huge help, but every little bit counts and it makes me feel more effective; I really expected them to laugh and toss the request away. Maybe I have future ahead of me as a tax consultant after all. *shudder*

It's probably not good to listen to songs like this on repeat while one gets introspective. I feel like severing all my ties out here and starting over, like everything went rotten and I need to start back at square one. And then I realize that it's not really that bad at all, to hell with all of you who worry for me because I'm bad at communication, and that I'm at least pursuing a dream, even if it's over a field of broken feelings.

Or some other poetically irresponsible summary. So yeah. Stop worrying. If you've known me long (e.g. are my parents or sister) you should know better. I'm not going to change my ways quite so quickly. I don't really like to whine which is maybe why I do it so much in writing and why I'm angry at James because that's all we seem to do together....

And for you who have entered my life more recently, you should know that you're all pretty much on pause right now. "It's not you, it's me." I feel like I'm processing too much right now. I dunno how that even works -- and I appreciate the "I'm your friend" pep talks I seem to be getting from the most random place -- but I feel like anything new would just tear me apart.

Damn, I really do give those emo kids a run for their money don't I.

In LiveJournal, you get to sum up your feelings in little one line emotions like "happy" or "excited" and there are little animated characters to illustrate to others your mood. If I were to choose one for myself right now, it would be "off-balance." I don't like not being in charge, not being in control of my own hermitage, not being satisfied. I guess no one ever should be satisfied or there would be nothing to work towards. But I still feel skewed -- another good adjective.

Endings always seem so full of expectation. I don't feel like setting up anything, so I'll let another set of lyrics speak for me, this time from a far less noteworthy and much more 14-year old band:

Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along, move along like I know you do

2007-02-17T20:50:00.000-08:00

F-

posting photos of yourself is a big no-no in a blog

2007-01-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

but I don't care. I just got fun new pants and feel like sharing.

Apparently there's a rule that you don't wear stripes with plaid. I say fuck that.

Children of Men

2007-01-07T01:35:00.000-08:00

Rarely do I see a film and feel so strongly about it to write something (note that the last movie post was not really about the movie itself, but about filmmaking practice in general.). This movie is one of those fine exceptions to the norm.

In essence, I spent 36 dollars on this ticket. A long story involving me getting utterly fucked over by the bus system here (a new level of getting-fucked-over in fact) -- one that doesn't really pertain to the matter at hand. What does pertain is that it was almost worth the cost.

Have you ever sat through a movie with your hand over your mouth so as not to keep screaming? That was me.

The movie won't win best picture. It might get a nod in the form of nomination, but it won't win. And really, it probably won't win director. But it should.

I haven't seen either of Clint Eastwood's new movies (Flags of Our Fathers or Letters From Iwo Jima). I saw The Departed. these, alongside Little Children (which I want to see) and Babel (which I should see) and apparently The Queen (which I'll rent) are the real contenders for awards season (check out the globe nominations for a reference). Children of Men was released too late for the Globes, but it will be in contention for an Oscar.

Enough cinema gibberish. This film was stunning. Clearly, at points, it was literally stunning. As a warning, there are almost no steady shots in this film. No smooth cranes, no tracking, not really even a steadicam; most everything is hand held, so if you get motion sickness easily -- or just can't stand the look -- be warned. However, it truly is a cinematic achievement. The technical premise (you can watch the trailer for the story overview) revolves around long take cinematography: long continuous shots without any cuts. Whole scenes are directed -- in bold because the film serves as an excellent example of powerful directing; everything awesome in this film is the directors choices -- in this fashion, including some absolutely mind blowing action sequences. As a movie maker, I am just completely in awe -- it's just fantastic. As an audience member...well, I'm still in awe. Film theory will tell you that a cut indicates a break in the audiences engagement in the film. The editors job -- in classical theory -- is to minimize the effect of this. Alfred Hitchcock's film Rope is based on this concept: because there are hypothetically no cuts, the audience never takes their eyes off the events that are unfolding, so nothing can be hidden. I wrote a whole paper on it. But I digress. Because the sequence is told in one continuous shot, there is no relief. Combine with this award winning sound design (if it doesn't get an Oscar for Sound Design, I will be impressed) which places you dead center in the action -- here again is the potential for an entire critical studies paper, but I'll just drop the word Identification and leave it at that -- and it's in incredibly visceral experience.

There are two such sequences which really stand out; though the whole movie is very much in line with this style. The first serves as the Act 1 plot point. (movies are traditionally three acts, 30 minutes, 60 minutes and 30 minutes again respectively. Acts transition through major plot points which 'spin' the narrative in a new direction) The second is essentially the climax in the third act.

The movie is incredibly dense, and some of the action is so complex -- designed as it is to stun audiences, successfully, with the long-take photography -- that it becomes almost overwhelming. I can't remember the last time I've walked out of a movie and desperately wanted to see it again. Though given my expenditure on the first screening, I might not be able to handle that.

The post-911 thematics are borderline overpowering, but I think there is enough self awareness that it plays out differently. To me it is very obviously an exploration of post-911 themes, and it makes it feel more contemporary than distant. The film is billed as a science fiction piece, but I think this is a (tragic) miscategorization. It's V for Vendetta without any of the polish. There is definitely a strong biblical (Saviour Child) resonance, but this too is openly addressed. Somehow, this lessens it's impact on me -- a good thing; I dislike overtly allegorical narratives though I'm sure such a statement will come back to haunt me -- and perhaps lets me enjoy the film as it's independent story. As below, so above in regards to the terrorism elements.

Acting wise, I wouldn't say there is anything overtly remarkable. That is until you realize that these characters are running 8-minute long sequences continuously. In my perspective, the challenge in film acting is technical. You have to produce the same performance repeatedly. You also have to make sure you're nailing your marks, because your working with a camera (centimeters can be the difference between in and out of focus.) In CoM, there's the incredible mix of technical choreography (A dozen people are shot, a tank has blown up a building, and if you flub your line, you're going to have one pissed off director) and real acting. I joke about "fixing it in post [the editing room]" as a way to get around poor performances. It's true. When you have seven angles of a scene, you can cut between them, using the best ones to make a performance seem better than it is. This is the art of editing (whereas the challenge is to hide the act of editing all together.) Not here. You have to nail that performance -- as in theatre -- because an audience is watching you. I refer again to identification. Man, I could have a field day. identification, unseen observer, post apocalyptic, savior child. A+ film essay right there.

So if you get a chance, please see this movie. It has definitely been a milestone film for me in terms of my growth as a director. But it's just plane good. Maybe not $36 good, but it's close.

vital information

2007-01-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

I think I'm sick. Which sucks, and is the first time I can remember being sick in a very long time. adventurama llama.

Bandwagon ahoy

2007-01-02T00:12:00.000-08:00

I imagine that if any time of the year saw an increase in idle blog posting it would be the New Year. How many people must post their resolutions for the world to see? As though the denizens* of the web were lurking over our shoulder to act as binary arbiters of collective success or failure. But I digress.

It's been a while since I posted anything here; maybe this time it won't pretend to save my entry and really just not and I won't get horribly discouraged at the misinforming fine print. I am back in LA. Once again, the 31st of the month was spent as a travel day for me. Funny that, Halloween, New Years Eve, both nights of frantic debauchery, both nights of me flying from one coast to the other, westward both. Both nights of not getting wasted or any number of fine activities to accompany such opportunities for revelry and raucousness.

It was a lonely NYE, but that's okay. I wish I hadn't been so cold though...stealing my roommates blanket tonight: check. But it might have been a little depressing. I had been invited to a party by one of my film contacts (and don't anyone go holding there breath, that invite went out to at least 1200 other people. Contact list "select all" folks.) I'm glad I didn't because I had no real way of getting there, certainly not before 11pm, what with having to truck from LAX to the apartment to deposit the suitcases. Then change, wait for a bus and somehow make my way there. At $87, shyness once again proves the logical route. Now had anyone in the world been around to go with me, it would have been a different story.

It's been a while since I've drank anything (alcoholic). Anyone who hasn't just stumbled upon this page will know this. The second night I was here, I went to a birthday party...that's it. I bring this up only because it sadly is a 'loosening' experience, and I can say that most times I have imbibed I've enjoyed myself. Missing video tapes aside, it helps coax me out of the shell. And the big red flag that keeps waving in front of my face -- last night more than ever -- is that I'm going to just dissapear into the shell.

Nosir. Not happening. I've come 3000 miles to a new life; to far to drag that old thing behind me. No more shells, just dan. If I'm posting a new years resolution, that's it right there.

In any case, here's what I did today:

Finish a novel. Saddest thing in the world: not the novel, but that it's the first serious bit of pleasure reading I've even pursued in longer than I can remember. Sure I've read plays and screenplays and other bits of literature, but that's all been for school or work. Ouch. I started reading it at the airport too...stuck it in the bag as an afterthought. It's the first book in "The Dresden Files" serious, by something Butcher. Storm Front. I had started reading it ages ago and found it...less than engaging. But I picked it up again and really got into it. It's also been helpful in my recent ponderings on how magic is approachable in storytelling (a long and probably boring rumination to most, one that I haven't set in words yet but will). I wish I had brought the others with me. I think I finally understand what a "quick read" is. Enjoyable, but easy. the author just pulls me along, and it all moves fast enough to keep me engaged. It would make a good movie. I kept noting where I thought key plot points and act breaks would be. I think they made a bad Sci-Fi series about it actually...maybe I'll look into it. Anyway, long story short, I read a whole book in two days for pleasure. Unprecidented.

I also took two showers. And didn't leave the apartment. A real thriller.

I read another book even. A silly little 'young adults' biography on Spielberg. Clearly aimed at the 10 to 11 year old segment. Still, it had some interesting stuff, and congealed together all the little bits and pieces I knew of the man's history into a timeline. Not worth the paper it's printed on (it's a very glitzy experience...) but a good way to kill an hour.

Then, I started researching cars (again.) This has been a long process that basically had two stages. The first, pre-vacation stage was full of indecision and dumbness. No progress was ever made. Now, I think I can say that I want a Mazda 3s. It's cool! But it will probably run me $18,000 dollars because I just can't imagine finding one used, let certified pre-owned like I want, in a color I'd like. As this month goes on (the goal is to give the bus one more month and then bite the bullet, though ideally I could hold off for a bit longer to save up some cash...oh wait, I'm not making enough to save up anything...stupid expensive living habits. $14 movies, what?), that determination towards my "blue mica" paint job (it's fucking HOT) will deteriorate I'm sure. We'll have to see what dealers say. Compared to a Toyota Corolla, it runs about $1.5k more, but the difference is worth it to me. It's a sexier, more fun car that I'd be more apt to stay enamored with. However, that old (and aforementioned stalling) instinct to go for the older, more 'broken-in' vehicle is nagging at me -- I'm just not sure I have the patience or [transportation] resources to pursue that line of shopping. If I lived in the valley, then this would all be a lot simpler, but I don't.

Oh damn, I think I just heard my first gunshot! Now I totally feel at home. No wait, I think it's just firecrackers. Oh well. Though there is a helicopter making it's way towards the noise now...

I also looked at shoes online. Fucking shoes. I want a red and a blue pair but can't for the life of me figure it out. Tangentially, Puma has a 'design your own' shoe thing. You can make some seriously fucked up shoes there...to bad they run $130 dollars. Oh well. No rainbow shoes for dan.

Tomorrow I start work again. Yay. I'll get to see if they've actually improved the bus lines like they said they have. I'm gonna try and weasel my way over to the transit center to get a pass for the month. If I'm doing a full month of commuting, it'll be worth it. Let's hope my paycheck(s) haven't been lost.

My credit card bill is so high. It's terrifying. I had airplanes and holidays both. It's stupid. I have these financial goals that I just can't meet yet. In like three months, yes, but not now. Well, strike that. I can't meet them, if I get a car. really, I need to tell myself that having the money in the bank now doesn't mean anything. I'm going to have to spend it sooner or later, and the little bit of interest it's going to earn certainly isn't going to offset that fact. Does one really need to make a down payment? That seems stupid. maybe I can finagle one of those 0% APR dealies.

New Years resolution number two: stop worrying about money (so much...baby steps).

And now I'm yawning up a storm which means I get to go to bed.

Awesome: dead ahead.

* you know I had no idea that word was even pronounced that way? I always thought it was denZIens...chalk another one up to awful linguistic mastery (anyway...back to the post)

legit i just posted something from a chain mailll

2006-12-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

Because you don't have to pass it along...just go to the site.
------------
www.lighttounite.org
Today, Bristol-Myers Squibb, the pharmaceutical
monolith that charges nearly $1,000 for a 30 day
supply of one of its HIV/AIDS medications, is donating
$1 to the National AIDS Fund for each person who
simply visits their website and "virtually lights a
candle." The tally is over 961,000 now.

Please, please take a minute to "light a candle":

This really will take just a second!! :) Please
forward this on to other friends!

why i secretly want to be a documentary filmmaker

2006-12-03T23:52:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching the film Mad Hot Ballroom. I don't want to write a review or plug the film, but clearly I was moved enough to post in this blog. Really I mention this only as a contextual reference.

To the point. I think there is really something beautiful and beautifully simple about documentary film. It's real life, it's powerful, and it doesn't need anything else to move an audience (best case scenarios). Everyone always points out how "real" a movie is. How realistic it is. I hate that about films. If I wanted to go see a narrative that was real, I'd see a documentary. But I think a lot of people know that and that's why documentaries are popular, if not overwhelmingly so.

As a filmmaker, there's something else though. Documentaries are so much more intimate. Even just looking at the credits. There's no added baggage, no inflated crew list. Just a bunch of people with cameras scrambling around capturing events as they play out in front of them. No take 2, no fixing it in post. What a liberating art form.

I think I cry more at documentaries than other movies. It goes back to that reality thing. You are THERE with those people, they are talking to you. And you know they want to be. Maybe there not psyched about being in front of a camera, but you know that for some reason they're there, they chose it. A real person chose to share his or her story with unknown strangers. That's pretty awesome.

So why don't I make documentaries? Simple. I don't want to tell the truth. Let's face it, I'm not very good at it. I still prefer narrative movies over documentaries, simply because I'm more interested on going on those imaginary journeys. I think the goal of a filmmaker should be to make his audience care about the people on the screen. And it's a harder job when you have to build those people from scratch. Yes, you have more control -- you can pick and choose aspects to pull at the heart-strings, and I think in the (rare?) cases where you really succeed it is more rewarding because you made people believe a lie, but too often we overstep our limits, try to hard as the case may be, and end up with real melodrama or shallow husks of people.

Also, I wouldn't mind ditching the 200+ person crews.

I work at at a Studio A-Fucking-Plus

2006-11-30T13:24:00.000-08:00

I had a big long post in here, but then Sony's IT people had to come around and fix my email (because I'm not allowed to...) and it got erased. Stupid blogger for not backing up the post.

Basically, I'm at Sony. It's not all that exciting, I sit around for most of the day, but soon we're getting new equipment and will be making a push for not only more behind the scenes and such content, but also more independent work. So who knows, maybe I'll get to pioneer a series of short video spots on Sony Marketing. Such possibilities. Now I just have to convince them to get the $5000 camera.

I'll maybe feel like writing more later, but right now I have to go eat lunch.

2 weeks (almost)

2006-11-16T16:42:00.000-08:00

I have a job. I think.

I got offered the job working at Sony Digital doing marketing support. Basically, this means I work with the marketing department to create content for digital formats (the web, dvd, etc). I'll be helping Jack do things like make google maps with video clips of locations linked at those locations. We also do web stuff and apparently mobile phone as well.

Problem is, I know of at least 12 work days i need to take off. We'll see how that flies. It's technically contract work, (as opposed to say, salary work or long term) so I'm crossing my fingers.

More stuff later. Nothing super awesome to report other than that.

I still need a fucking car.

1 week

2006-11-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

I wonder if I'm just being hard on myself. For some reason, I really expected to be employed by this point in time. I mean, it's only a half-failure. I've started working at Samuels twice a work (intern), which is really cool. I'm getting to listen to all these things that go into making a film. But more importantly, I have access to a bunch of scripts. And they're screened so they should be better than average...which is really a shame considering what I've already read. But at least I get an opportunity to read them. It's an entirely different experience reading a script and seeing a movie. And while you can't replace seeing the film with reading the script, you do get a better understanding of how that movie--that story--was constructed.

And yet I can't help but feel it doesn't mean anything. In fact, I'm kinda unsure about how any of what I have lined up really matters. Allow me to elaborate. I feel like the stuff I'm doing at Samuels is helpful, and interesting, and I'm learning, but there's nothing unique about it. I could be doing this same exact stuff at any film company, any devision, any boss, etc. I just want what I'm doing to be really cool. And I guess I think about it and the real problem is that it's not what I want to be doing. That, and I want to be chosen, I want someone to be like "yes, HE is the right person for this job right now." I don't feel that there. I feel like anyone would do. So of course I've already started going into overdrive. Best thing that ever happened to me was my "East Coast" work ethic. That above everything is going to get me through these first weeks.

The second implication of my statement is on this feature film I'll be assisting on in the near future and particularly in January. I am pumped to be working on a film again, even if it's not mine and I'll be really just doing support for it. It just feels like I could be helping out on any number of small projects. Of course, I don't know of any other such projects, but this is LA. I want to see a big set, teaming with activity. I guess we'll see. If I can push my way into some semi-essential position on this film, I'll feel a lot better.

And if this journal wasn't a cheap substitute for psycho therapy, it is now. I feel like I should explain that too but I don't want to.

That's the whiny complaining about what I AM doing. What's more exciting than that? Complaining about what I'm NOT doing. which is getting paid. Yeah.

Balls.

Yesterday was interesting for two reasons. First, I went to Sony's digital/marketing department and met with someone about 1) life and 2) maybe a job. (those aren't the two reasons, that's only one). Jack was really cool and we got along well. His devision is in charge of deploying marketing and promotion agendas into digital arenas (my words). They do a lot of content implementation and creation (less so) for digital media outlets, like website and mobile phones and such. So they're the ones who shoot the web interviews and make the interactive maps and design websites. It sounds interesting and would be a pretty good job, but both he and I acknowledge it's probably not the best thing. I'm just wary I won't find a best thing. The longer I go without a job, the harder it's going to be to get one before christmas...and don't even get me started on AFTER break. January 18th is the shoot date for the film. so it's like back for two weeks, gone for two more...and then i can get a job for real.

The second interseting thing that happened yesterday is that it was my birthday. My parents sent me some treats and my sister sent me one of the (product)RED sweatshirts which i'm in love with. I kinda really like this campaign...and the 225$ armani watch is looking better all the time...it's really like a 150 dollar armani watch and a 75 dollar donation to charity. Maybe after I get the car. But other than that, it was an uneventful day. I went to dinner with Erica at hard rock cafe and saw wicked prototypical Beverly Hills girl with her boyfriend all-but-literally in tow. Classy. And Julianne made me a cake. <3

It's funny how my birthday has officially passed into the realm of "Just another day." I imaging it regains significance when you feel comfortable enough to share the celebration of you with someone(s) else. And as I've never been one to 'celebrate' alone, I guess I'll let it slide, or take the rain check for next year. All seriousness aside, I imagine the festivities will carry out across the weekend, if the transportation issue does cause too much of a problem.

Major projects ahead of me: get some of my work over to sony for them to look at, and work on this dvd reel for a friend that is like two months overdue (well, it will be in a couple weeks). Maybe I'll get started on that in a little while, now that all my online profiles are updated and I've officially exhausted everything to do on the internet for at least a few hours.

Maybe I'll even go to a party this evening. we'll see. If not, Battlestar here I come.

2006-11-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

I've decided what i want for my birthday.

a job.

Dear Apple,

please get back to me about whether or not I can work for you.

love,
dan

Today's plan: read and write. I forwent (wow that's actually a word?) going in to santa monica to read about Frank Capra all morning. Also, this way I get to ask if it's okay to stop in tomorrow. And buy a bus pass.

ewww

2006-11-05T16:06:00.000-08:00

I just did a bunch of reading on a bible study page. I feel kinda dirty. All in the name of research i guess.

The internet is too amazing to exist

2006-11-05T00:14:00.000-08:00

I post this mainly for my parents but of course everyone who stumbles across this should look at these images. I actually stopped breathing for a good 40 seconds on a few of them.

http://nodwick.humor.gamespy.com/cats/cats.htm

obviously

2006-11-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

I just sent two applications in to a few apple stores across the city.

duh

the problem with living

2006-11-03T15:35:00.000-08:00

So, I have this sweet apartment, but the problem with it is this: no furniture. Or rather, no DAN furniture. All I need is a desk and a bed, rather than pirating my roommates bed when she's not here (which is always because she sleeps in Culver City). Ikea beds are umm..less than exciting.

Wait wait. The problem is I have NO WAY of getting any furniture I buy to the apartment. That's the real dilemma. Resuming..

Ikea beds are boring. Craig's list only has platform beds. I just want a freaking twin bed. I just want a DORM ROOM bed. How do I get an adjustable height DORM bed?

Desk I'm not as worried about as I don't really need it....

oh yeah, and I want some sort of dresser...maybe Ikea has that...

I went walking this afternoon...got some lunch. I woke up (at 9am! better) and watched...3 hours of battlestar galactica. Now it's back to looking for furniture, then maybe reading or if I'm really ambitious some video editing.

Also, this new firefox is awesome. automatic spell checking in form fields. Hot. Damn.

An introduction to those I already know

2006-11-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm out in the big city on the west side of this dubious country with lots of free time at the moment and not but my trusty mac for company (at the moment), the Internet beckons and of course I can't help but think of all those "Another LA blog" and "Yet another Screenwriter's journal" pages that I've stumbled across in the months and years leading up to this transition. Logically, I've chosen to start up my own. In part as a way to get me to keep track of what I'm doing, but I think more importantly as a way of covering my ass by sharing at least pieces of my life with the public (and therefore private members of my life when I forget to call).

Clever bonus and witty ramblings aside, I'm here, on the west coast, in a very big city with no really way of moving around. Let's start with a brief account of the past two days. Halloween was a 'travel' day in just about every conceivable way. One last time down to brown to pick up a reference, then on to an airport for 8 hours of airplane fun time. Once in PST time land, it was dinner and then bed. Three hour time differences are kinda awesome. Yesterday I woke up early and watched movies, then went grocery shopping and to a furniture surplus store in search of a desk. No luck. Although really, not necessary. Then I went to a script reading for a movie I am hopefully assisting on in January. Real small affair, but I like it that way. I'm sure I'll be posting more about this in the future as the project develops and my sense of involvement becomes more concrete.

Then I stood around in the cold for a while waiting for a ride to delicious Chinese hot pot (basically a big bowl of broth in which you cook a variety of ingredients and it is so delicious). That was latest, and we didn't get home until after midnight. i watched a couple movie trailers and then passed out.

Now it's today and I woke up at around 10:30 which doesn't sound all that bad but disappoints me a little. I'm keen on trying to keep my sleep schedule on west coast time as much as possible to force myself to get up and go to bed earlier. But I'll blame it on travel exhaustion and get over it.

Now it's time to eat (I've been dicking around on the Internet for over an hour now) and get reasonable and then maybe wander around campus and the outlying areas to see what's around. I'd go buy a bike right away, but julianne's friend may have one to sell me. I'll have to check on that when she gets back from class.

At the end of this, I'm not sure how relevant these posts will be, and I'm sure they will dwindle down to a more compelling once-or-twice a week. But then again, with any luck they will turn into rabid gloating of my creative and/or professional ascension. It is a city of dreams, or at least I'll pretend it is.